Skin and Genitals

I am so back logged with emails to answer because of my unexpected hiatus, but it is amazing how many people keep asking me Obama, Clinton, McCain?

People, get a grip. I am a novelist. I write stories. I can't and won't tell you for whom you should vote--although I will tell you that I am proud of my student Lazaro Coralles for taking 3rd Prize in a contest sponsored by Bedford/St. Martins that posed the prompt: "What Barack Obama's candidacy has taught us about race relations in America."

The complete list of winners is as follows.

First place winner: Jessica Arias, Wolfson Campus
Second place: Dinkinish O'Connor, North Campus
Third place: Lazaro Corrales, North Campus

Congrats Lazaro--it was great having you as a student.

Congrats Dinkinish--who is also one heck of a poet--she may not know it, but her "War" poem was submitted as the North Campus entry to the League for Innovation Prize.

Congrats to Jessica--I do not know you, but if you beat Lazaro and Dinkinish in a writing contest, you are formidable.

Now, for the rest of you around the globe and your Obama, Clinton, McCain questions--I do have something to say to you.

Shame on you. Grow up.

It is the year 2008 and we finally have a serious African American, female, and elderly presidential candidate. Why did it take so long? Why is it such a big deal?

I can't wait for the day when we have had seven women presidents, six African American presidents, four elderly presidents, five Jewish presidents, five Catholic presidents, six Asian presidents, five Latino presidents, nine native American Presidents, four gay presidents (openly gay, that is--who knows--we may already have had ten gay presidents, and at least four who were bi-curious), three transgender presidents, four Mormon presidents, seven Jehovah's Witness presidents, four Muslim presidents, five Hindu presidents, six atheist presidents (openly), seven Inuit presidents, and ten presidents who have to list themselves as "Other."

I can't wait for that great day to come when we can vote for people because they are qualified, and not because they have a color that we like. Color? Color? What are we, still in kindergarten?

My dad's whiter than your dad, my dad's whiter than yours

Shame on us--we are the leaders of the free world. Let's act like it.

As a child (and then again as an adult), I won many awards that had the words "black," "Negro," or "African American" on them. Thanks, thanks, thanks for the awards, guys--they helped to make me the man I am today, I am truly grateful--but the cataloguing always gave me pause.

As a child (and then again as an adult) I was often told, you are the first black this, or the first black that, or you're the first black we've ever had working here, or doing this, or holding this position, or sitting in this seat, or chairing this committee. Once again, thanks, thanks, thanks, I love you all, thanks for giving me the many opportunities that I have had and continue to have in this great country--but what's all this about being the first black?

I know that you think you are honoring me when you say that, but can't you see how self-serving your placement of the superlative "first black" is on anything that I have achieved?

When you say, "Preston, you are the first black to work for this company," what you are really saying is this: "Preston, you are the first black that we have allowed to work for this company. See how great we are for allowing you to work here? See how much we have changed? Once upon a time we didn't allow any blacks to work here, but now we are changing and you are the first to benefit from the change. Aren't we cool for doing that? And don't you feel fortunate for being the first?"

When I was in college, I was told after a job interview for a part-time job delivering pizzas, "You got the job--you've got a lot of experiene doing this kind of thing and whatnot--but I think I need to warn you that there are a lot of people who work here in this store who may not be happy with you working here. And there are a lot of families in the neighborhoods we serve that might not be happy to open up and find you knocking on their doors."

I said, "Am I still going to get paid?"

The interviewer said, "Well, yes, of course."

I said, "Then I would rather get paid by people who dislike me than not get paid by people who like me. I have a family to feed. I've got school fees to pay. I am black. I'm used to being disliked."

That's sort of how the conversation went, and I got the job and became the first black pizza man to work for that company and deliver in that exclusive part of town.

So what?

How juvenile. How shallow.

What kind of achievement is that? The first black?

People, you have to understand that achievements of that sort are only important in a country that admits that it has a history of racism. If you are racist, then it is significant when someone from the targeted minority is able to break through the discriminatory barriers that you have placed to hold them back. In other words, "Preston L. Allen is the first black writer to publish a book with us because as you know we are fairly racist in our attitudes toward blacks, but his book is so good that . . ."

Now if they are not racist, then they might say, "We have just published a new book by Preston L. Allen on such and such a subject . . ." The end.

In other words, if you truly want to stop being perceived as discriminatory, then stop making such (loud) note of the first black this and the first black that, the first female this, and the first female that.

I mean, who is the first left-handed president? Who is the first blood type AB positive president? Who is the first president to have excelled at football? Who is the first president to have worn an odd-sized pair of shoes? Who is the first brown-eyed president?

We don't know--because we do not discriminate for, or against, those qualities.

But who was the first president with black skin? And who was the first president with a vagina?

Now every hand in the classroom shoots up.

Do your civic duty and vote, people. But don't vote for skin and genitals--and don't vote against them either.

Grow up. Get out of that superficial kindergarten mentality.

Vote for the candidate that is going to move the country in the direction you think it ought to go.

No more political questions, please. They wear me out.

Thanks,

Preston

Astonishing

Q: Loved your book. What is the most astonishing thing you have ever seen in a casino?

A: Hmmm. Good question.

I think I may have told this story before on another post, but here goes.

An elderly couple (Canadian, I think) were new to the casino's four-screen build-your-own-lotto machine. So they were complaing and grumbling and asking for help, but no floor person was nearby and none of us regulars would help them.

He was saying, "How does this thing work? How do you get it to play a quarter? Are zeroes the only number that it can play?" The machine showed six zeroes on all four screens.

She was saying, "Let's get someone to help us. Where is everybody? Why will no one help up? I think the machine is stuck on forty. How do you change it? We don't want to bet forty dollars at a time. That's too much."

And they're pushing buttons and grumbling and fiddling with the machine, and I am about to offer my assistance, when all of a sudden I hear their machine pinging like crazy. Ping-ping-ping-ping!

Accidentally, one of them had pushed the PLAY button and six zeroes came out. Six Zeroes!!! They hit on all four screens.

And since their machine was stuck on forty dollars (ten dollaras a screen), they hit $50,000 on each screen--in other words, they hit $200,000 without even knowing what they were doing.

Astonishing.

I was at a table and a guy hit a Royal Flush. So we paused the game so that the Indians could pay him his jackpot ($5,000). Fifteen minutes later, we got back to playing the game, and the guy's eyes grew big again. When he laid down his cards, he had hit another Royal Flush! He hit two Flushes not only at the same table, but in consecutive hands.

Astonishing.

I sat down at a poker table in my favorite seat--seat 3. And I told the dealer, "This is my lucky seat. I have hit 7 Royals in seat 3 so far, so deal me Royal number 8, dealer." On the next hand, he dealt me a spade Royal Flush. The jackpot was $2500.

Astonishing.

A dealer snuck a quarter from the till. This was one of the best dealers in the house. Everybody liked her. She was attractive, humorous, she controlled her table, and she dealt a fast accurate hand. Perhaps she did not sneak the quarter from the till--perhaps she just made an honest mistake. It did not matter. Against the protests of the players, they fired her on the spot for swiping that quarter.

Astonishing.

Preston

Queen of Spades

Q: I am curious about the story by Pushkin that you refer to in the novel. You refer to it as the "Queen of Spades." I'm not finding it.

A: It is a translation from the Russian, so depending on whose translation you have it might have a slightly different title. I don't have the collection of Pushkin stories in front of me right now, but I am 100% certain my translation had it titled "The Queen of Spades."

Thanks,

Preston

Sex in Gambling

Q: Is there a lot of sex in gambling?

A: I wouldn't know because I am a virgin. I'll pass your question on to one of my three children, however.

Seriously, though, I have seen some things in the casinos that make me shudder. First, there are the professionals, the prostitutes. Second, there are the gamblers who fall in love with each other. Third, there are those who have fallen on hard times and whose bodies are the final thing they can sell, or exchange, for money to gamble with.

Here's some advice for you non-gambling husbands out there. Always go to the casino with your gambling wife. I you cannot go with her, send her with a lot of money. When she calls you on the phone for more money, do not berate her--send her more money. Remember, there are WAYS for her to make money to gamble with in a casino.

Thanks,

Preston